The morning before Bhim Jayanti, I am sitting 1055 kilometers away from my hometown Yavatmal with many thoughts and feelings. Frustrated, nervous, disappointed but also excited and hopeful at the same time; all kinds of feeling culminating in phases of mood swings one after another in cycle.
I am already missing Jayanti celebration in my hometown. I will not be there this time. I grew up seeing and being part of collective celebration of my people, remembering the memories of those healing and safe public spaces on the occasion, loud bhim-buddha geete on speakers at home, in every Ambedkari streets and in Samvidhan square in the center of the city.
On Jayanti, Aai (mother) wakes up early and the first thing she does is to put bhim songs on speaker. Soniyachi ugavali sakal, janmas ale bhim bal; Ali Jayanti Jayanti bhima maulicha san; and my favorite among many — uddharali koti kule, bhima tuzya janma mule..
The local decorations, positive joyous energy around make everything special for that day. I love seeing my mother getting ready, wearing white saree, putting (sadha) make up to go to buddha vihara to perform buddha Vandana with all her friends in morning around 9 am. I miss her today.
I miss Sunny, Suraj today. I miss their laughter, their jokes, and their Maitri. I miss the conversations I have with them. Conversation is never for the sake of conversation but a necessity to convey thoughts and listen to each other urgently, immediately. Conversation as an act of active engagement to learn, unlearn, understand, and grow together through shared minds and lives.
My pursuit of formal higher education, to undertake LLM in NLSIU Bengluru, is deeply rooted in the socio-cultural setting where I grew up, commitment of my mother and father towards betterment of our lives by following path of Babasaheb. Credit is theirs. But it was never easy for me; it is not easy for me even now. After my heartbreaking M.Sc drop out and taking up contractual job in zilla parishad which became the support of my family’s survival. And then quitting that job for desire to learn and work in social sciences against all odds is something I had to do for my own survival. That is my journey.
Holding a fundraiser and seeking financial support to complete LLM was not an easy decision for me. It is not easy, I guess, for anyone, to reveal that kind of personal information and seek support. I am still trapped in mixed feelings about it. Mostly negative. I do not know if it is morally and ethically right or wrong to do it. I wonder if fundraiser is an easy escape, a selfish shortcut for personal gain, which again not available for most of my community students. I wonder if this further strengthens the structural barriers that are in place for our students which keeps them away from quality education. I don’t know.
I saw no possibility of me studying if not through fundraiser. I am aware how it feels to drop out (with first class marks in first year) from a post-graduation due to social financial situation at home. This time I just wanted not to let go of this opportunity.
Till now I have received overwhelming support from people, known and unknown. I am thankful for their generosity to say the least. These are also times when you expect your group, your people that will check on you, counter you, question you, or support you for this. Ignorance is the last thing you expect. This disappoints. The fundraiser has crossed 7 lakh I am hoping I may get scholarship (not sure yet) then things look manageable. Anyway.
I am looking forward to resuming formal studies, and excited to learn law. It is a privilege for someone like me to go back to college at this age.
For tomorrow, I am hoping to celebrate tomorrow with my friends and loved ones here in Bengaluru. Will buy a saree for Aai to give her on 19th April when I will go home.
I wish you all Happy Bhim Jayanti!
